As you dive headfirst into the wedding-planning process, one of the first items on your list will be choosing your wedding party. From your Matron or Maid of Honor and Best Man to your Flower Girl and Ring Bearer, these are the individuals who will stand by your side on your big day. While each of their responsibilities and level of involvement will vary depending on their particular role, being a part of your closest circle as you tie the knot is undoubtedly an honor.
Before making your decision, you may have quite a few unanswered questions or concerns about the proper etiquette when it comes to this group. For example, you might be wondering who to include (like whether it’s acceptable to ask a best friend over a sibling to be your Maid of Honor or Best Man), how many people to invite (plus, whether both sides need an equal number of people). Then, you might be inquiring about the expectation of their duties and where to draw the line. Or you may even be curious if a wedding party is even necessary at all.
If you’ve been asking yourself any or all of these questions, read on for the most common wedding party etiquette questions, answered.
1. Do you need to have a wedding party?
There are no rules that require you to have a wedding party. In fact, forgoing the traditional bridesmaids and groomsmen has become increasingly more popular with modern couples. While there are plenty of benefits to enlisting a group of individuals to assist you on your big day, skipping this custom is more budget-friendly for both you and any hypothetical members, and it avoids the discomfort associated with hurting someone’s feelings or burdening anyone with extra tasks.
2. Do you have to choose a Matron/Maid of Honor and a Best Man?
A Matron/Maid of Honor and Best Man, just like a wedding party, are also not necessary. If you’re having a smaller wedding party or you simply can’t decide which individual to select, you can certainly do without these. However, you’ll want to make sure that you evenly distribute the traditional duties of a Matron/Maid of Honor and Best Man among your wedding party, so you don’t overlook any pre-wedding or wedding-related details. One member may stand out as more of a leader when it comes to planning, but you certainly don’t have to give them a different title.
3. How do you decide who to include in your wedding party?
When making your decision, select people you have a close, meaningful connection to, and who have made a tremendous impact on your lives. Regardless of their relationship to you, whether they’re friends or family, choose only those who you can be your authentic self with. The last thing you want on your wedding day is to feel as if your true self isn’t accepted or valued. Don’t do it out of obligation. Choose those who you genuinely want by your side. As you weigh your options, it’s important to remove other people and their feelings from the equation, so your decision is a personal reflection of you.
4. Does my sibling have to be my Matron/Maid of Honor or Best Man?
While many brides and grooms select their sister as their Matron/Maid of honor or their brother as their Best Man, respectively, there isn’t a hard-and-fast rule that spells this out. If you aren’t super close to your sibling, don’t ask them to do the honors simply due to your familial relationship. The individuals who you select to be your Matron/Maid of honor and Best Man should be based on the strength and authenticity of your connection, not how they relate to you. So, giving the honor to a friend is completely acceptable.
In some cases, a couple may choose to select a friend to the role because they have multiple siblings, or their brother or sister is much younger than them (and therefore incapable of fully carrying out the role). If this is the case, you may choose a friend to fulfill this responsibility but decide to set your sibling apart in a special way, whether it’s giving them a different bouquet or boutonnière or sitting them beside you at the head table.
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5. Can my child be my Maid of Honor or Best Man?
If you have a daughter or son from your current relationship or a previous one, you can definitely make them your maid of honor or best man. That said, it does depend on their age. If your daughter or son is in elementary school or younger, it might be difficult for them to fully carry out the traditional Maid of Honor and Best Man duties, so consider enlisting a friend as your Deputy of Honor or Assistant Best Man to cover all of the responsibilities that your child is too young to take on.
6. Can I have more than one Matron/Maid of Honor or Best Man?
The number is totally up to you. If you have more than one sibling or you can’t decide between a relative or your best friend for the role, having both of them step up to the plate is a great compromise. If you do decide to have more than one guest of honor, be sure to divide the responsibilities among them. For their toasts, you can have them speak individually, or they can write their speeches together.
7. Do my future spouse’s siblings have to be in my wedding party?
Including your future siblings-in-law in your wedding party is always a good idea. After all, they’re nearly family, so snubbing them could start you off on the wrong foot with your in-laws. However, your decision will ultimately depend on the size of your intended group. So, if you and your future spouse have your heart set on only three or four attendants, you don’t have to worry about adding them. If you’re having a smaller tribe, consider giving your future sister-in-law or brother-in-law another special role, like serving as ushers or reciting ceremony readings.
8. How many people should we include in the wedding party?
Again, the choice is yours to make. While the average wedding party is about eight people in total (with four bridal party members and four groomsmen), the decision will depend on the size of your wedding. For instance, for a 50-person wedding, a wedding party of 16 members might feel a little off balance.
It’s primarily a personal preference, though. So, instead of putting too much focus on the right number of people, concentrate on picking those who have the most meaningful relationships with you. If you have a group of 12 friends, feel free to choose all of them. But if your inner circle consists of three close ties, stick with that number. Don’t feel pressured to include any more or fewer individuals based on what you see on social media or hear through the grapevine.
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9. Do the bridal party and groomsmen have to be equal in number?
No, you don’t have to have the same number of people standing on each side. Your wedding should reflect your personal relationships, and it’s more important to include the people who matter most than to focus on symmetry. If your wedding party is going to have an uneven number of bridal party members and groomsmen, there are many ways to address the asymmetrical processional or recessional. You could have everyone enter and exit separately or have two people from the bridal party or two groomsmen walk down the aisle together.
10. Can we have a mixed gender wedding party?
Absolutely. Your wedding party should consist of those who are closest to you, regardless of their gender. So, if you’re a bride who wants your brother to stand next to you, he can definitely be a part of your bridal party. And if you’re a groom whose best friend is a girl, she’s more than welcome to join your group.
11. How old should the Flower Girl and Ring Bearer be?
Flower girls and ring bearers are usually between the ages of four and seven, although they can jump up to age nine or so. Those who are under four years old might not be able to follow directions or carry out the expected responsibilities, or they may get nervous in front of the crowd and abandon their role, so they’re better off sitting in the group of guests with their guardian. If you’re having multiple flower girls and ring bearers across various ages, consider asking the older ones to help the younger ones down the aisle.
12. When should we ask people to be in our wedding party?
Ideally, you’ll want to ask your friends and family to be in your wedding party a few months after getting engaged or eight to 12 months ahead of your wedding day. However, the time frame really depends on your wedding date. If you intend to have a longer engagement, you can get away with asking them later, but if you’re tying the knot less than a year after the proposal, give your prospective bridal party members and groomsmen a five to eight months’ notice.
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13. What expenses should our wedding party cover?
Traditionally, wedding party members pay for their attire, travel, and accommodations. In some cases, they might chip in to help cover pre-wedding events, like the bachelor or bachelorette party. They typically don’t spend money on their bouquets or boutonnières, day of transportation, day of snacks and meals, and wedding hair and makeup if you’re hiring a professional to take care of your bridal party.
Make sure to have a conversation with your members about financial expectations. It’s considerate to discuss expenses upfront to avoid anyone feeling unprepared to handle these costs.
14. Should our wedding party be allowed to bring a plus one?
Since your bridesmaids and groomsmen go above and beyond to help make your big day unforgettable, it’s considerate to give everyone in your wedding party a plus one as a way to return the favor, especially if they’re traveling great lengths to be there. But if you intend to have a smaller wedding, or if you have budget limitations, opting out of plus ones is appropriate.
What’s more important is that you apply that rule to every single individual within your party. So, if you let one person in your wedding party invite an extra guest, that means everyone should be permitted to extend the invitation as well.
15. How much is too much to ask of our wedding party?
As a general rule of thumb, don’t ask your wedding party members to do anything you aren’t willing to do yourself. If there’s a huge task you don’t feel equipped at tackling, or a tedious job you don’t feel like doing, instead of leaving it to an individual in your bridal party or a groomsman, ask your planner to handle it. While these friends and family members are there to offer a helping hand, it shouldn’t go beyond the scope of their conventional responsibilities.
